Leaning - Poem

Fully Rely On God (F.R.O.G)
Some day thats all you can do and today is one of those days.
I am just tired of taking care of others and I really would like to take care of myself for a change . You know what it is I would love to just be alone.
Maybe it is percieved but sometime I have to ask myself if this is it. In my soul I know its not. I am suffering from not asking for what I want - I suspect that will be my next life lesson but until then i wallow in the perception of not having enough me time and while I love my family and friends dearly I wish they would disappear for a bit allow me some alone time.
Until then I guess I am leaning on the everlasting arm that is GOD.

Copyright ©2012 Norell-Lee Ramsay.

Waining faith - Poem

I am caught between the job you gave me to do and the praise you want me to give to you .
With this new responsibility the ability to give you my time seems difficult.
It is true that I Love you and are no longer angry at this a cursed blessing you placed upon my breast.
But Lord I ask you patience as I figure out the things with this new baby what do I do next. The time is moving quickly and I feel like I haven't been able to breathe yet.
Its been 8 months going eighty as we wait in faith that this one bed room apartment will turn into the home to raise this new born no infant turn toddler come child, adolescent adult
As we wait in faith that this new car will start to work
As we wait in faith that we will have enough to navigate this cruel world.
And still - you've  never failed me yet and still I believe that out of the not so bad ashes that have burnt away all the selfishness I grow in grace - I understand that your wisdom exceeds my comprehendable mind
Lord  I see a glimpse of you still in the midst of this foolishness trying to console my flesh with the thoughts of eternity - the knowledge that this is transient and that others have done more with far less. Trying to wrap my head around the concept that more can mean less of you and that promises in desperation are easily forgotten. I say this my Lord. My God, my source my all. I fervently depend on you. Control - I have none - you have it made so that I feel no other option - I am ashamed that it has come to this - but I know you will because you said I Am. Selah

Copyright ©2012 Norell-Lee Ramsay.

Just Horrible

I don't know how I got into the uncomfortable predicament of having this awful picture of me immortalised forever on facebook but the Lord knows it don't cute. But... It is indeed my fault.
Now mothers around the world ought to get out once a a while and socialize as it is the only thing sometime that will keep you literally from throwing the baby out with the bath water - literally.
So my Bff invited me out to a party and it was the most fun I have had since college.Best night ever - hands down. The music gods were in the right alightment. I thought I looked great.
I giggled like a school girl and infact at the end of the night I danced so hard in my four inch heels that my feet still have not fully recovered.
Now I am known to refuse at every turn before now take photos at these events but for some reason -Maybe it was the alcohol
or the great vibes or the combination of the two- but I did agree for these ppl to take a pic of me and my bff who is thin as a twig (might I add)
And all mi haffi say is pupa jesus what a piture nuh do me justice - I look like my just give birth :o|. Now while it has been 5 months and they say it takes nine months for your body to return. It is indeed a travisty to see myself look - like that.
I almost asked myself who that was cause it for damn sure wasn't me. Den put pon topa dat now my Bff who has no sense of body image except her own go post it to my wall for the whole world to see. I was so shocked I didn't even attempt to take it down- I didn't remember that you could.
And the hurtfullest thing is that the people showed me the pic before hand and I approved it (what was I think?)Que cosa mas vergansoso. SMDH.
Oh the Insanity - and speaking of which - mi skip 2 work outs this week but I repent and seek salvation for that photo my friends was a rude wake up call. Get off you ass and work the damn thing . I still trying to figure out how the hell I got here . Well however it was it nuh pretty as evidenced by this dyamn photo.
Do Not Disturb
Work in progress.

I must be bloody insane

So I have decided to take my what lef body and work out and I have started Shaun T Insanity work out . After doing the fit test yesterday all I have to say is brother I must be insane. All body parts I forgot I had are soar and people this was just a fit test sooooo can you spell mash up?
Anyway I am resolved to sort out my body. I just have to put in my two cents of confession. I am really terrified of 'getting skinny. ' I somehow feel like my weight has defined me .I discovered this with the help of my  bff.  I am now determined this time to not sabotage myself  again and after losing the weight getting scared and putting it all back on plus extra. So INsanity it is .
I  have to just  say here that having my son has just motivated  me on many spiritual planes. Now I need to be healthy, active, strong and fearless so I can enjoy and make the best of my experiences with him and be an example to him so he too can understand strength and fearlessness. Ding ding ding - another wake up call from the Lord. Mind, body, spirit ready for its purpose.

What's Left

So after having this child and deciding to exclusively breastfeed I have what I call a 'what lef' body. I have lost some weight evidenced not by any scale as I have sworn off scales since the last one I went on lied to me wickedly and said my pregnant frame was loosing crazy weight ( ? which part?), but evidenced by the shrinking waist line and the wearing of a dress to church which didnt fit me as well as it did today in the 5 years that I owned it.
Still I find myself with a different body than I had pre pregnancy. It is let me be blunt - it jiggly and not in a good way. Now let me give out a little TMI. When I was pregnant my pelvis was spreading away at a rate giving me some serious  symphysis pubis dysfunction. If you have no idea what I am talking about see link below
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symphysis_pubis_dysfunction)
Anyhow pain on top of pain and now 4 month later it still hurts with long standing (which is work) and long sitting (which is breast feeding/home). This has made me more than a little apprehensive about  starting any work out plan particularly . Now let me be real - mi hate working out like poison (is really laziness)   all of those people who talk bout endorphins  and making you feel great ( you know who you are) my receptors must be dead or turned off or something cause I have no such reaction so it is even harder to be consistent. But looking in the mirror at this not so nice Jelly I have decided it is time - My already big body need a sorting out and as the Lord would have it like a sign from the Father himself I dislocated my Shoulder 2 weeks ago. So I must weight train for my upper body at least to ensure that I don't continue to dislocate (physio speak). This being said I am going to start an exercise programme - I must because this what lef body need to sort out. Serious Ting

The Adventures began when...

In order to share my adventures I have to start at the beginning. Now truth be told children were never high on my list of things to do.  My day job involved running a fairly successful physical therapy practise. I also loved to write poetry, explore my spirit and express my faith. But seriously I never did understand (and still somewhat don't) the fascination people had with churning out children like cheese.

I  would frequently ask women I will affectionately call "baby makers"what was so highly exquisite about having children and the expense and responsibility of having them and I was frequently told - you will find the money and children are just really nice to have . Really? Is that it? Well I certainly wasn't buying what they were selling. Gimme a break. Anyhow I had to my initial horror,  the what I would call at the time - misfortune to find myself in May 2011 - Pregnant. Oh the Humanity!! Jesus wept and so did I. My husband was over the moon , but I felt like I had heard I was going to die.  In a way, that's how it felt, because I knew - even if the baby makers would have me believe otherwise that this change for me was going to be major.

Now first of all don't let anyone tell you different- I had what some people would call a 'good pregnancy' but pregnancy SUCKS. You feel like another person, in some instances subhuman because the hormones reek havoc on everything , your perception of self, your stomach's ability to process food, all your bodily and mental function go kursponkety . I will give details in another post. But anyway I believe in the universe giving you what you need when you need it but I still wasn't sure what this little ones purpose was in my once very self sufficient life.
In January of 2012 I would find out that on another level forgetting what the baby makers have to say the real reason I believe that a child has come into my life (I cannot speak for others) was because there is a spiritual component having another human person to take care of who is new and fresh, untouched and unedited just himself. I was given the enormous responsibility to guide him through his life while allowing him the freedom to fulfill his purpose in this world.

Now I just want to love him. I want him to experience love so he will grow up with the ability to freely love himself and others. Everything else will flow from there. And now on top of everything else that I do, feel, think and express I am a Mommy too